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  • Pamela Maran

The alchemy of falling in love

All suffering in a relationship begins with clinging to another person's form, and one's illusions. And it all starts with falling in love.


The feeling of falling in love is actually extremely strong anxiety and fear. The fear that opening of the heart brings great pain again. The pain we have experienced every time we have loved someone — mother, father, teacher, friend, previous partners. There is ALWAYS pain associated with loving someone and the body knows it well.


When you fall in love, the heart beats faster, appetite decreases, insomnia occurs, this specific someone is all you can think about. We tend to romanticize it, when in fact it is an activated sympathetic nervous system ready to flight or fight danger (because potential heartache is as dangerous as an attacking tiger).


Our body is ready to fight this heartbreaking danger - the heart pumps blood into the muscles so we'd have the power to kick our enemy's ass; with the help of insomnia, we can also catch an attacker in the middle of the night; the appetite is reduced so that the energy goes not into digestion but to fight the danger. Our thoughts are on the other person, because the body is completely focused on the danger so we'd not miss it, not let it out of sight. When we kindly ask, "How are you doing? What were you doing today? What are you doing now?" is actually nervous system's way of charting the territory of this "wolf" lurking around.


And those "butterflies in the stomach" that can almost hit with a diarrhea, when you see your loved one ... This is also your body's aid - quickly empty your bowels so you can fight or escape with a lighter body.


All this romanticized period of love and it's "symptoms" are simply panicked and frightened organism that tries to do everything to protect you from a new heartache. The person you want to let into your heart is subconsciously a potential threat to your well-being.


If we are not aware of this, then we create a pattern in which the organism realizes after a while that this new character is not dangerous - he can be trusted and allowed inside us. The period of feeling in love passes.


Unfortunately, the pain is coded in such relationships, and after a while the quarrel is very painful, because it shatters the subconscious illusion that the other was "safe" and you "trusted him" that he would not hurt you. Pain is the breaking of an illusion. The illusion came subconsciously because you didn't notice your real feelings.


That, in fact, the period of falling in love is extremely scary and burdensome for the body. And you need to be in it as much as possible to rewrite this pattern. So this significant other is not bringing the love that can be taken away, but that love is in you already at this moment when you calm your heart every time you feel the "symptoms" of falling in love.


Your body is panicking and it needs a sense of security - if you associate this security with meetings or conversations with your loved one, you put all the responsibility on other. And, of course, this other one can always let you down.


Every time when your heart beats fast, stomach cramps and you feel anxious - put your hand on your heart and say "I'm here, I'll keep you safe!". Every time you feel those feelings, be in them, let them be. Stay connected and create security for your frightened body.


If your loved one makes compliments, makes you smile, makes you happy, focus on your heart again. That those feelings are within yourself and the other only refers to them. Don't associate your love with another person, because he is a physical form - he has to change, perish, and if you put so much responsibility on him, disappointments are guaranteed.


If you feel a sense of love within you that inspires and motivates, don't focus only on HIM. Let this love be passed on to other people and different activities, making you feel that this source is within you and it is not intertwined with just one human form.


This is how you gradually begin to make contact with yourself, your feelings and your love. And you will begin to realize that people around you may disappear, change, behave in any way, but they cannot take away your deep connection and love.


If you fall in love and love, do so consciously, in deep connection, because this connection is stronger than those you place on forms outside yourself.


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