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  • Pamela Maran

What do we really need?

The last few weeks have been mentally difficult, and I have been thinking about what I need and what we all need when times are tough.


It is natural that there are times when everything goes smoothly, the mood is elevated and life is a flower. And there are times when we are tired, moody, sad, and everything seems pointless. Both sides are a natural part of living.


I remembered a relationship with a young man who quite often reached the darkest end of naturalness. One time we ate outside and after an hour of waiting he scolded the waitress for the long waiting time. I rolled my eyes, trying to hide my embarrassment. That offended him and he marched, full of rage, to his car. I didn't follow. I pondered at the table with ease, because that day was a lighter part of my naturalness. I realized that the issue was not in the waiting time or the waitress, but in the sequence of the young man's previous days' difficulties, most of which I do not know. It wasn't a question about me either, although I was aggravating the situation because I was embarrassed about his behavior. My embarrassment touched his wound: "you are bad boy."

But this day was light for me. Without that mental ease, I would have been offended by the ruined evening and his moodiness. With ease, I understood the sequence, the accumulated tensions, and the need for a climax. I sat in the car, stroked his hand, said, "I love you."

I hugged, caressed, touched his hair gently and said "I understand".


Any other my darkest days, I would have blamed him, tried to make him see that he overreacted, behaved badly, and so on.


But a person who is in pain does not need explanations, philosophy, reflections, accusations. Even if he behaved completely wrong. Even if you think he was even a mess.

But he was hurt. He couldn't be stronger for a second. And he needed someone to understand and love him at that moment.


If we can step out of our ego, we can offer it all - understanding and love.


I have repeatedly written that when two such people meet, a wonderful relationship is born in which each other's wounds are bound. But I've realized it's a miracle, one in a million chance. In all likelihood, you will encounter someone who rides over your wounds with a lawn mower, starts blaming, does not understand, does not bind. Because the other cannot overcome his pain, his ego.


Reflecting on it here, heaviness and lightness in my soul at the same time, pain and beauty, and feeling misunderstood and unheld, it is my lesson to love even more and understand even more the pain of others when they are angry, because the weather is too hot, or when they are sad because the meat they ordered was overcooked.


Because my unease is also not because I'm afraid of the future, of loans, of being alone, or because the floors are dusty... but because I've been strong for too long and I don't have a place where I can rest my tired head. It is a matter of wanting to be loved and understood AT THIS VERY MOMENT.


And if you don't have someone else who takes your hand, strokes it, and says, "I understand," then you can be the one you need.


"I can be scared right now. It's natural. I'm allowed to be angry. It's natural. I can be tired. It's natural. I can feel that no one understands me. It's natural."


And then you are the one who binds your wounds and says, "I understand."


Allow yourself to be on the dark side of naturalness, because then, a little light starts merging in.

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